It Multiplied
by Revever
Summary: Locked In His Room follow-up. Belle tells Gold about her childhood. Part nine of Something There series.


This evening, when Bae was already sleeping, Gold and Belle were again sitting in the kitchen over tea.

'Belle, may I ask you something?...'

'Sure.'

Gold took a deep breath.

'All these things you were telling me about earlier... I couldn't help but think that you know that from experience. That you were hurt like that. Is that true?'

Belle smiled and took his hand.

'Yes, I have learned it from experience. But you don't have to feel too bad for me. It surely was difficult, but by now I have it mostly sorted out. Do you want to hear about it?'

'Only if you want to talk...'

'Sweetheart. Hey. Don't treat me like a fragile thing that I am not. I'm just like other people, coping with my share of difficulties. It's normal. Don't feel guilty.'

'How do you know I feel guilty?... I mean, I am, but I wasn't even really aware of that until you said it.'

'Experience. Perhaps it's true that in adult relationships we look for the same things as in childhood ones to try to make them end differently.'

She said that lightly, but it somewhat stung anyway. Sure, she already told him that he's prone to this hurting kind of self-blame, but still.

'So,' Belle started. 'My mom died when I was twelve. My father and I, well, this was hard for us both. It had to be, we loved her dearly. But after some time, when we lived through the worst grief, I noticed that my father changed a bit. He became overprotective of me. He always emphasized that I should have everything best and he always were giving me better things, well, better than everything than he was taking for himself. I mean everyday things, starting from the nicer looking sandwich.'

Gold looked at her unsure, thinking about all instances when Belle insisted that he didn't have to do something for her.

'Finally I thought I was going to suffocate, you know? And because he was so obviously doing it out of care I had real trouble telling him to stop. I finally did, I tried the serious, long talk approach. I said he don't have to treat me differently now, that I want things to be just like it always was before mom died. But he hung his head and said something like 'I can't even do it right when it comes to my child...' I felt like monster for telling him anything instead of taking whatever he gave me with utmost gratitude. But the worst was this amorphous feeling of being swallowed into deep pit when I was seeing how deep and pervasive his self-blaming was. He wasn't trying to manipulate me into gratitude or anything else, not consciously anyway. He was truly blaming himself. I think I actually started to scream at that point.'

'When your mom lived, he wasn't the only one responsible,' Gold offered quietly. 'There was many things he didn't have to do because your mom was doing them.'

'I know. Well, now I know. Then, I was a teenager and I was dying for some freedom and opportunity to prove myself. It didn't mix well with what my dad was doing.'

'Do you think Bae is just as angry at me?...'

'He might have been today, but overall I think you're not as infuriating as my dad.' Belle smiled mischievously. 'And remember that I still loved my dad. I still do. Bae loves you too. That's why we care, me and him.'

Gold smiled.

'Thank you.'

'That's not all,' Belle said quietly. 'Back then we also had some financial troubles, dad wasn't really in shape for working after mom died. But he was hiding it from me, I learned about it a long time after that. I thought about all the things he bought me during that difficult time, as if nothing happened, and I felt so cheated. It was like getting a present, being happy and then suddenly you are informed that you have to pay for it. It was unfair, it was a debt I never wanted. I really didn't need all these things, I needed to talk to him, to know what the real situation is and be allowed to really help, even if a little. Instead he was giving me presents because they made him feel better about himself. I know he meant well, but I felt used. I was so angry. I still am, because he still has a tendency to do such things. I have seen then how he's hurting but he didn't allow me to help. Instead he used me.'

'I... I'm so sorry, Belle.'

'Thank you,' Belle squeezed his hand. 'From then we had a history of him trying to do something for me, then doing something that really I was supposed to do, me being angry that he treats me like an incompetent child, big row, a period of mutual resentment, then slow easing into previous state of matters. I used to be blindly furious, especially early when I still didn't know what exactly was happening.'

'I didn't do anything like that to you, right?'

'No, and I promise to talk with you if you ever did. I'll leave blind rages and leaving for after the talk... Hey, don't look so scared, they usually aren't even needed after talking.'

'Okay...' he nodded. 'I'll try to avoid it in the first place.'

'You know, now when I'm thirty and have a good job that I love, it's harder to think of a way to treat me like a dependent child. So it's all much quieter in that department. I'm much more reasonable about it too. I forgave my father what he did. And, you know, about five years earlier there was no way I would sit with anybody and calmly explain what's what. I would scream at you, feeling hurt that you're proving to be just like my dad.'

Oh stars. Yes, he heard the part with 'five years ago' and all the 'woulds', but still... Belle sensed that and gathered him in her arms.

'I must say that my father never evoked in me that need to hug and comfort him. And you very much do.'

He heard a smile in her voice and finally relaxed.

'It's quite much for a one day for me to wrap my mind about,' he said carefully. 'But I'm doing my best. I honestly didn't know I might hurt Bae or you by... by feeling guilty.'

Belle hummed quietly, hugging him closer.

'It's not the guilt per se I think,' she said pensively. 'That would be really bad if we were unable to feel guilty at all. It's more about accents. You can concentrate on what you did or are and can't change, or you can let it go and try to do what can be done, with your eyes open. I think my dad was afraid that if he had tried, then he would have failed. It was easier to just proceed to the already failing part. And maybe sometimes imagine that if he had tried, then he could have succeeded.'

'I'm afraid that I'll hurt Bae. That I won't be able to give him what he needs. I don't want to fail, Belle, this is too important.'

'I know, sweetheart.' She kissed him on the temple. 'I think you're doing good enough. It's not easy to be a single parent. You don't have to be perfect, really. It's better to not try to be perfect in fact. I know, I tried it. Ended up in a sorry mess and a real delight when I finally let it go.'

'Tell me when I'm doing it wrong?...'

'I will try, but I'm not infallible, remember. Also, I love that you are actually listening to what I'm saying. Dad was exploding with his own grudges and demands. Well, of course we were fighting each time, so that's not very surprising when I'm thinking about that now. But dad was so hurt by my mom's death, that he didn't ever shake that feeling of being treated unfair. I tried to get him to talk with somebody, anybody in fact, but he either was telling that they won't understand or that they will think he's just complaining. Sometimes he was telling it in a very grave, definite voice and I was screaming and storming out. Sometimes I wondered if he wanted to look so bad with his guilt to make everybody else feel guilty. Because he felt so hurt in such an unfair way.'

'How is your relationship with your dad now?'

'Calmer. But no, we weren't able to really talk. I still don't feel that he would really listen, so there's no incentive for me to try.'

'I'm sorry, Belle.'

'Me too. But we still know that we love each other deeply and will support each other, however inept that may be. I think that's the most important part anyway.'

'Perhaps it is.'

They were sitting in comfortable silence for a few minutes, feeling each other's warmth and heartbeats.

'Thank you, Belle,' Gold whispered finally. 'I always tried to take all blame on myself so Bae wouldn't feel any. But it really wasn't the smartest thing to do. Blame just sort of multiplied it seems.'

'Nice way to say it. But don't worry, it helps to have other people around, someone you can talk to. I think we can talk to each other, help each other. Don't you think? No need to be alone.'

'I'd like that, Belle.'

'Back then Granny and Ruby helped me a lot. That was when I and Ruby became best friends. She was a few years younger, but she already knew how it is to lose both parents. We had common ground. And Granny was our voice of reason and support.'

'That's wonderful. Makes me ashamed of how I treated them.'

Belle frowned.

'And how did you treat them?'

He blushed a bit.

'Harshly. Didn't agree to let them be a day late with rent no matter what. I never thought too highly of either of them. They don't like me either.'

'You need to get to know each other better. Also, sweetheart, you don't let anyone be late with their rent.'

'I know... But they would exploit it otherwise.' Just like his father. Better not to risk. He'd gave up only in the truly dire circumstances, like when there was fire in one of the flats. He shuddered at the thought.

'Tomorrow we're going to Granny's for lunch,' Belle informed him cheerfully.

'She'll throw me out. She did once, when I got into an argument with my other tenant inside her diner. Grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and practically carried me outside. It was so out of mind kind of bravery, that I didn't draw consequences.' He'd felt truly intimidated to be honest, but couldn't admit it aloud. 'She'd do it again, given an opportunity. '

Belle giggled.

'No way. You'll be with me.'

'All the more reason, they would want to protect you.'

'And you already know how I feel about protecting me without asking first, right?'

'True.'

'They know it even better. Don't worry.'

With that, she pulled him closer for a kiss.


End file.
